不說甚麼

吁一口你那悠長的悠長的嘆息

2011-11-21T07:21:00.001-08:00

太陽曬得很毒辣，路上的灌木叢亮起油油的葉兒。單車在這泥路蹍起一捲捲的沙塵，我在單車上一路的巔簸著，輕快輕快。太陽把時間曬得溫溫吞吞，把光陰拉得好長好長。我往後看去，蹍轉的路上留下了單車的橡皮軌，留下了那天那微酸的、溫熱的天氣，留下了我所有所有的敬愛，留下了你，留下了我。
我安靜的躺在你的背後，微熱的風吹過，我仿若看見了你背上的汗珠兒的霧光，閃爍著、跳躍著那柔弱的、堅忍的光。你在一處乘涼的地方停下了，點了根煙，緩緩的抽了起來。我用稚幼的眼光抬頭仰望著你，我好想閱讀你眼裡的蒼桑、眼裡的慈悲。
你晚年過得很不如意，子女忤逆，整天都在吵，你的郁悶，比誰都沉重。可是我們來安慰你，你總是恬靜的笑著，你身上的痛、你心裡的痛，從來都在，可你從來都不願讓人為你麻煩。你很累吧，外公？
你走了以後，甚麼都變了。我的世界沒有了黑白之分，我不再做你要我做的事—當一個正直的人。彷彿在懲罰自己，我偏要跟你對著幹，我覺得這世上最疼我的人已經不在了，我沒有必要為著不令你失望而努力。我的世界，很黑，很黑。
如果，如果，如果可以…讓我吁一口，你那悠長的，悠長的，嘆息。

沒有如果

2011-11-18T06:40:00.000-08:00

人問得太多遍的如果，最後苦惱的只有自己。這個世界不會欣賞你的如果，你很努力，可是沒有表現出來，跟沒有努力過的，一樣悲慘。可是我們擁有未來，錯過了的機會，你哭幾多回都是不會回來的。不如現在努力努力。
好久沒有寫字，與其說空洞，不如直接認了自己的不學無才。
天都哭了。人是悶悶的。
那天出門忘了帶傘。路過有位不認識的同學給我搭了一會兒的傘。感覺很high school... 搭訕…搭傘?

折返人間

2011-10-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

好久沒有寫些甚麼，感覺心裡腦裡都很空。心中坦蕩蕩不是壞事，腦袋每天在放空卻讓我有點感覺像每天都被行刑處死幾次一樣難受。
做了暑期工，去了旅行，又回來了原來的學校。好像甚麼都沒有變過，又或更應說，本來的事，都按著本來的軌跡演變下去。譬如說，學校的圖書館翻新了，熟悉的面孔不見了，而我，我卻還是那個我，又是另外的一個我。還是一樣的渾噩，卻沒有了對工作、對學習的熱誠。But does it matter? 大概沒有人在乎。我們都只是…

情面

2011-05-04T00:57:00.000-07:00

我很相信，每人都有點ego的。譬如說，當你見到一個i banker整天的achievement 就是將pitchbook 的format 一致化，千萬不要問：點解無人staff你？又譬如說，女仔問你佢肥唔肥，我相信無人會說你好肥。
有些話是不可說的。有些話卻不能不說。
比方說，給TA的電郵裡，總需要加幾句thank you enjoy your class thoroughly 怎麼樣的。擦鞋嘛，其實是很深的學問。要看擦的人是甚麼料子的，被人看穿的話不但升職無望，還會讓人忌你三分。要說起來騷騷癢癢的，看似不著邊際，事實上卻已經排練多時。可惜，我做人自視過高，不屑當這功夫。日後說話會害死自己啦。
*************************
看見同學參加了 Osama 死去的celebration,有點作嘔的衝動。我很驚訝，連在長春藤大學受過教育的人都可以如此fanatic. 許美國人真的受了很多苦，這些我是不能理解的。又或許本來我就是一個佛教徒的關係，始終認為，作了孽是會有報應的。這不是說，因著別人為自己的惡果而受苦，所以就應該高興起來。我想，關鍵是應該有憐憫的心。幸災樂禍的情境，讓我有點心寒。今天的得意忘形，是種共孽。因為，這裡沒有compassion. It seems to me that justice, in Obama's word, is retaliation. What is compassion to you? What is forgiveness to you? I am scared of people's cruelty shown in how happy they celebrated Osama's death. I think he did something very very wrong. But it is still sad to see lives taken away, no matter how sinful those lives are.
Is it required? To forgive such an evil enemy? It is a question I find it too hard to answer. I want to say yes we must all feel that way. But it seems too demanding to most of the people. Is charity a duty? I asked myself, if, imagine, someone killed my parents and the government killed that murderer, would I be happy like that? Jesus Christ! No! I will not be happy! I would be sad. Very sad. 因為戾氣太重。
and then I ask, so Americans are either not as kind as I, an ordinary Chinese girl, am. or Osama did something worse than killing their parents? I read articles written by my friends of how they felt. In their opinion, they justify why people were so happy by saying how the whole nation is traumatized and trampled collectively in the socioeconomic aspect. It is a backslash to the American superpower. But to me, honestly, it still seems a pretty shaky reason to be THAT happy. It is not as worse as getting your parents killed.
Just by thinking about how happy people were for his death makes me feel sick. Like literally I feel very unsafe not because of the possible retaliation from the terrorists, but because of the similarity of the Americans are compared to their enemy. I am scared of being in such a merciless society. They ask, how could Osama kill so much and how could he have no sympathy to the innocent lives. What they do not realise is that they are just like those terrorists. They don't show compassion to lives they are not familiar with. It does not seem reasonable to me, to kill him on spot, even though he killed so many innocents. I think no one deserved to be killed, ever ever.
We should not treat people based on reciprocity. We should treat people equal by the principle of compassion. Even though people have been unkind to me, I will still be kind to them. I have yet to come up with a reason of why people should do that, but I think it will make our society better off if we don't expect reciprocity.

開懷

2011-05-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

心寬一點，人才可以活得自在。為甚麼偏要如此執著呢？對方都已讓你三分了，事情亦應定下來，偏要跟自己過得去。可能有點人是要活在痛苦之中，活在仇恨裡頭。因為像Dido唱的一下，because you thought it's cool, to be sad. 你不開心，你不快樂，繼續下去，就可以跟人說三道四。這是一種手段，去滿足你自己覺得自己受歡迎的理據吧。Because finally, someone listens. Because finally, you are important.
人有多少真心的朋友，不是靠交換gossip 情報來決定的。你說了多少事非，是有孽障的，壞話不能多說，好話要多說。少點戾氣不好嗎？反正也不是大事，為何偏要放不下。大肚需容下天下事。
算了多說無謂。總之，心中常歡喜。

中庸

2011-05-01T00:51:00.000-07:00

有位作家說過，男女之情，很轟烈，來時快去得也快。兩個女孩子的情誼呢，像小姐與丫鬟，間有小心眼的妒忌和猜度，可礙著面子，終究可以細水長流。有時我懷疑，我們這代，太西化了，沒了那種積壓久了的韻味。朋友，說翻臉就翻臉，未免太不留情面。廣東人生活的智慧，終究管用。凡事留一線，日後好相見。有點說話，說了出口，就回不了頭了。心中總有根刺的。
其實人相處起來是一門很深的學問。這個世界需要有絕頂聰明的人去做research ，可是亦需要更多的人去粉飾太平。太平，不是本來就有的，還是需靠人用功用功的。粉飾一番，漸漸就會太平啦。裝著沒事似的，慢慢就會沒事啦。不說出口的，就是99%肯定，還是猜出來的，久了就沒這回事啦。可說了出口就不同啦，人總會記著的。所以嘛，相處之道，容忍一下，留留面子。
人嘛，也不能過份熱情。來得如此快，就証明了太輕信人啦，一開始就推心置腹，對方做了點不稱心的事就會更覺著有了點期望的落差啦。這個磨合的階段，還是要多點時間的。日久見人心嘛。
話我不多說了。都是老生常談。可是裝了太久的懵懂，我還是希望能指點一下比我更socially awkward的鍘的迷津。自己參詳一下吧。

What I've learnt in this year

2011-04-28T01:11:00.000-07:00

This year I went through I lot. It is not what I have expected but nevertheless I am glad I have been given this heavenly chance and I am forever indebted to my patron. For this reason I will always remember what this society have given to me and I wish some day I will become someone's patron too. I know there is a theory about the pyramid sponsorship is not as beneficial as giving out the whole lump sum to a bigger group of audience, but as someone at the receiving end, I must say, it's different. I hope one day their investment will pay off.
1. I learn that there are some very ultra-talented people in the world and everyone is special and beautiful in its way.
In Hong Kong and in my environment in particular, everyone wants to get into B-school and a job in i banking. But in Columbia, you see violinist, journalist, entrepreneur, poet, neuroscientist etc etc. Of course there are stil tons of people who want to get into i banking. But still they have a chance to study LitHum, CC etc etc I truly envy this chance of having a liberal education. When they complain to me how useless the course is, I truly truly truly wish I could be in their position to complain about that.
2. You don't need to be ultra sociable and try to be friends with everyone.
It is not a requirement for you to be friends with everyone. Some people just are not interested in you. No need to moan. Go to another group and make some other nice friends.
3. Work hard.
I thought I worked really hard in order to get into college. and I thought my college life before coming to Columbia is really really intense. Turns out I did some of my most intense study here in Columbia. A lot of readings and critical thinking. I really enjoy them because I know this is the only chance I will have in my life to do something academic as this. I will never have the chance to do it again.
4. Be kind to people.
I said that a lot before but preaching is different from teaching. You cannot learn it. You have to reflect on your own value system and be enlightened. One day you suddenly realise you could ACTUALLY really make that happen. Whatever indecent things people did to you, forgive them.
5. Sometimes life is not a box of chocolate.
It is a piece of shit sometimes. Be calm and carry on. Mentality is tricky thing.

and a lot more. It is difficult to put it in words, for a lot of things I've learnt are intangible and it's about how I deal with people. There is not one situation I can point to. More like clustered multidimensional characteristics that guide me through ups and downs.

Peace of mind and peace of emotion.

心中常歡喜

2011-04-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

一進來的時候，對於哥大的期望有點落差。在香港是天之驕子，來到這發覺原來無人有興趣認識你。其實應該一早知道，國際學校的圈子，我是進不下去。只是沒想著人會如此現實，在課堂上想你常幫助，下課呢，卻覺得在你旁邊有失身份。我許是做了錯事，可對於他們的對待，著實有過不愉快的時候。
久了，想通了。大學何其大，沒有這群朋友，還有另一群。我不卑不亢，也不求你或看不起你。毋庸對人太熱情或冷淡，那些傻瓜的時刻太high school 吧。
人總有追求，可是得一卻得不到二，有時會表現得很desperate. 港女，或港男，對感情，都未免如此。要時刻提醒自己，不可如斯這般，淡定淡定。心中需常歡喜，心善則臉亦會善起來。以往未免年少太輕狂，燄氣戾氣全寫在眼中的得意。幸好福大命大，沒遇上甚麼小心眼去設計我的，不然小女定必大難臨頭。人大了，懂得人前人後都留點情面，你雖對我不好，可是我本著良心，還是會對你好的。收斂下來，就更覺可親。
切記切記，心中常歡喜！

她

2011-04-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

她嘛，說起來，故事有點糾結。
話說在某年的夏天。那一年，香港特別的熱，毒辣的陽光把滾滾的草曬得深綠深綠，油油的見不到底。城裡依舊是喧鬧喧鬧的，當不了真。像在舞台上霓虹射著似的，她的故事，她的命，當不了真。
她應當是當個平凡的。二月底的份，她媽托著鄰家的七姨，給她去黃大仙問的。這女兒啊，是要捧在掌心的，又加了幾聲噥噥的呢喃，算命的說著。黃媽啊，要好好護著這個嬌的，七姨順勢附著，這些年女孩子要能幹還是要歸宿，還是要清楚的啊。
她在旁聽著，不覺不覺像在作著一場夢。那下午的悶熱，把她昏得頭暈腦脹。三四叔公的叮嚀，二姨丈的祝告…一大堆密密麻麻，像個蠶繭。一句句的，像祝福，又像咒怨。在她腦裡，像個隱去的幽靈穿鑿穿鑿，拈左拈右，蘇蘇軟軟好不煩心。去了又怎樣，沒有去又不怎樣，她在想。
她從香港乘著了飛機，來到紐約。見到了甚麼甚麼人，全都放在心上。想起了白先勇筆下的留學生，想起了仙遊的外祖父，想起許許多多的陌路人。你以為現在是甚麼年代啊，寒窗苦讀啊，呸，她在腦裡狠狠的道了一下。人嘛，不好天真一下，許會開心一點。委屈，魯迅說的，原來不只我委屈，爸媽都很委屈，一家人過得齷齪，是要讓人瞧不起的，母親說。你憑著一點小聰明，過去要提防。提防！她臉蛋兒上的一雙敏脫的眼睛，像驚弓，像躍兔，翼翼的打量眼前。
紐約不是倫敦，不是個精緻的蛋糕。十字的路口，藏不住口舌和貧婪，滋著一般柔柔的力，在空中很得意。地鐵裡，公路底，在店內瑟縮的一角，是一縷縷，活的、長著的命。猶太人、黑人、印度人、中國人、韓國人，全都添上了點點的自豪，他們心裡清楚，這城，是要興旺的。那城遠遠的望去，像個騰伸的爪，在黑夜裡亮得刺眼，蚜櫛上活動活動，筋和絡，有沸沸的人聲，像個食人的森林。
坐在星巴克，她感到很不自在。在香港，她是從來不往裡頭鑽的。她卑視那些崇洋的人，自以為去星巴克好高級，故有文化虛榮得要很。縮在窗邊的一角，她變成了透明的顏色。只坐著，甚麼也不說，不問，每人都有問題，每人都有意見，許這兒太多意見，她腦裡似是長了隔離膜。你們管著吵，反正她是外人，靜靜看。她沒有意見，沒有所謂。
沒有所謂。甚麼於她來說，都沒有所謂。她不說甚麼，也沒有想要甚麼甚麼。只靜靜的閒著。

New York and Hong Kong

2011-03-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

In a lot of ways the two cities are similar to each other. I once joked to my friend that I've always been a city girl and I think I will continue like that. Since so I could but only live in three cities in the world, New York, London and Hong Kong. The Nylonkong.
People are different though. New York people are more interesting. They don't cling to each other that much. They have developed a natural instinct to ignore attention on them. On the street, in the classroom, in the office etc etc. They have the confidence to be themselves and find themselves comfortable in whatever situations.
Hong Kong people, on the other hand, are very insecure. I may suffer from selection bias from my pitiful sample. But university students are trained to conform and always do things in flocks. You need to shop, eat, study together all the time, and always. You should never spend any time alone because that will make you become a loner.

香港的貧與富

2011-03-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

近來香港最熱門的話題，莫過於是樓價、貧富之間的差距以及社會大眾「仇富」的心態。
我聽了以後很有感觸。想是大概我自己的背景關系，從內地來，被人標籤著新移民甚麼的，現在大概有多少euphemism，管你叫窮，大抵還是叫你叫基層來著，不可拆穿頭頂的一片太平。

中國人嘛…凡事留一線，日後好相見！應謹記謹記！

在小學中學，我大抵是一隻井中蛙，我的世界就僅僅是一個黃大仙。大學，五光十色，精彩。我做了一個義工計劃，到深水埗去幫新到埗的小孩子補習。我想起自己的出身，突然感到一點可恥的guilty gratefulness. 慶幸自己雖然有大概的經歷，可是家庭還不至於潦倒如此，社會還是給予了大大小小的機會我向上爬。我又想起我補過習的有錢小孩，以及我朋輩依稀間有多少個是超級富豪。我想起他們對錢的那種模糊概念，想起那點洋洋的朝氣，想起他們擔心GCSE很難的童稚。我終於明白，一樣米養百樣人這句話裡頭，隱隱埋著了那點荒涼。荒涼，悲哀，因為我不願揭穿那個truth給你，我願你一世懵懂下去，快樂的無知。
來到花旗，更精彩。我像是big fish 裡頭那個可愛papa，I jump out from a small pond as a big fish, to become a small fish in a big pond, to eventually a tiny tweeny one in the ocean. 我看了這兒的學生，看懂了甚麼是有錢中的有錢。有些人比我多了的，不是聰慧，而是見識。重要嗎，你問？
是的，那是他媽的重要。投行兩樣skills 都需要，這個世界需要絕頂聰明，亦需要粉飾太平。ibankers那份自我熏陶的自信，無人能及，daisy wong 說得不無道理，你不把自己身體力行地體現為世界第一，有誰會幾千萬咁送俾你！
所以說，smart不一定，exposure 卻是放洋的比本地學生所優越的。可是這不是鐵一般的道理，憑藉大學的經驗，我覺得有人還是可以make their way through 的，只是，難一點兒。
我不同意仇富，因為這樣做就等於一開始已經覺得自己inferior, 而且已經將問題frame in the way that rich people want you to frame. 你既然唔同意遊戲規則，又要玩落去，玩既時候仲要鬧個game 點差點差，你話， in the first place, 點解你要將個 game interpret in that way?
everyone is different. that's what I learn in America. Do your own job. And you don't need to feel inferior, just because you are not as good as the guy next to you at the start. because if you work hard, you can catch up. 我看了窮富翁大作戰，很不明白，點解要將問應題寫成 " poor people cannot move upward socially." 我覺得要加點附註，是 "if they don't study hard". Every part in the world is the same. I don't like this social phenomenon but I think it's gonna stay here for a while. as the society moves to more service-based, this wealth gap is gonna enlarge exponentially. the government's job is not to say "see this is happening", their job is to make people face this reality while taking less pain from it. that's why I played the game and obeyed the rule. 無錯你係好慘，正如田北辰講，社會很draconian 地 punish those who do not study well. 無學識，很慘。我很慶幸，媽媽對我很嚴，因為她的嚴厲，社會對我很仁慈。
窮，毋庸自卑。不卑不亢。人善人欺天不欺。要出人頭地，除了讀書，也有捷徑，可是那個risk 不是人人都high 得起。我還是讀書去吧。

看了inside jobs.

大概

2011-03-09T23:12:00.000-08:00

也許我應當自我介紹一下。有如以前的差不多先生，故事的開端總要描述一下主角的兩三事。
我的故事是一個奮鬥和迷失的故事。我們這一代，被冠以八十後、九十後、港女、港男…一大堆奇怪的稱號，也許不只我們這一代，財爺預算案被狠批母親帶著兒子上街遊行，我很迷惑，這是一個甚麼的世代，上至高堂，下至幼室，到底有多少人知道自己做緊乜。我們，不只是年輕人，指的是整個社會，都很迷失。到底我們想要的是甚麼？我們，不只是迷失在彈子房，不只是迷失在公仔箱，我們是活在一遍矇矓中，漫無目的。你為甚麼遊行？你爭取的民主，是甚麼東西？你這他媽的不要整天說你要一千萬，你需要告訴我如何搵一千萬俾你。你明白嗎？周杰倫說，我很忙。沒有時間聽你們這群沒有智商的整天在嚷要奶。你個人幾大，湊住個仔駛唔駛我話你聽遊行可能有衝突發生？明知有架打，仲帶埋個仔去睇，你仲唔係犯賤！

我們活著，呼，吸，彷彿生存的意義，就僅於此。可是看了香港電台我又問，當你生活的指標已退化到有如原始人般只依傍著三餐一宿、有瓦遮頭之後，你有甚麼理想、有甚麼資格談aspiration? When your life is reduced to as what people will have in their primitive lives, what do you want anymore, other than food and shelter? 我跟他們談迷失，他們跟我講六千蚊是如何解決燃眉。就係咁解。

大概，我喜用大概這個詞源於中學。所謂的「懂性」後，我慢慢明白到，原來這個天地，沒有黑與白，只有不同層次的混沌。於是，我再也沒有說永遠，更沒有說從此。中庸之道，教會我腳踏實地，妥協地跟著社會的規矩走。我努力讀書，因為讀書是捷徑。我要爬上這個social ladder, 跟著這個doctrine 走，實食無癡牙。
當然，無人強逼過我被所謂的social norms強姦。與其說強姦，不如說反正做了之後百利而得一害，我願意放下我的理想，去追隨社會、父母、最為過份的是我自己加於自身的責任。以最市儈的角度來說，我的objective 很簡單。我要錢，我要靠讀書、讀商科、入IBank 去賺錢。我大概可以創業啊、可以做時裝界marketer 啊、可以讀 science啊等等等等。
可是，我還是選擇了讀商科。一條最快又relatively 穩陣的路。我在選efficient set 啊，難道我又錯了嗎？
我來了美國後，感到很困惑。突然之間，有人告訴我，原來 ibank 不是賺錢的唯一出路。突然之間，我應該拋下所謂的家庭責任，去追隨我的夢想, because my family should not get in my way of pursuing "a dream" !
好像被人敲了一下腦瓜一樣，我突然有tendency 去開竅。
可是這個轉變又唔係話轉就轉。 Perceiving is one thing, internalizing is another. 你告訴我，我要追隨夢想，我心裡想，你都低能，你唔去深水埗到睇下D細路有幾慘，你同佢地講，"那細路你講好書不過要讀自己鍾意架，那賺唔到錢無所謂!"，睇下有無人睬你！
我的例子當然無咁extreme. 我想講，我在想，父母養育我多年，他們沒期望我出人頭地，我亦希望幹得不錯，起碼說能夠改善他們的生活。
無人強姦我，我自願除衫，你吹啊。
所以你說，我這個人嘛，不只有深層次矛盾，簡直是由內到外再轉回由外到內都是予盾。我本來就很予盾。
大概可以說，我不寫多點大話，很難console myself to a psychological settlement...情堪何處！
十七歲那年，我突然之間聽說要入大學，然後終於終於，去了外國讀一年書，一路走來好像沒甚麼，回到看看，感覺像看電影，一將功成萬骨枯！千舟已過萬重山！一步驚心！一吊膽！我一直都很小心，我心底還是很怕的，像王安憶筆下的女主角，我怕有天醒來，原來是南軻一夢，揉醉了那天康橋底的醉生夢死，原來甚麼都不是。他朝君體也相同呢！

這裡

2011-03-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

好久沒有寫中文，孔子說，一天不看書，就覺面目可憎。難怪近來越發見自己面目憎懧…
為甚麼要寫博客？
一、大概我人本身就是一個予盾。我跟朋友說，I am a contradiction myself. 他們都笑了，我想，也對，who isn't? 不過，我想每個人都有點宣洩的渠道，你可以跟友人聊啊，你可以玩音樂啊，可以拍電影啊…小女子無德無能，只有一點讓人見笑的墨水，所以在這獻醜啦。
二、難得來到了紐城，臨別在即，不胡亂吹吹我的所見所聞，小女子惶恐愧對鄉親父老。
三、有些事，看在眼裡，說不出口。希望以後莫再懵懂！
四、要鍛鍊一下中文。

平衡