吁一口你那悠長的 悠長的 嘆息

太陽曬得很毒辣，路上的灌木叢亮起油油的葉兒。單車在這泥路蹍起一捲捲的沙塵，我在單車上一路的巔簸著，輕快輕快。太陽把時間曬得溫溫吞吞，把光陰拉得好長好長。我往後看去，蹍轉的路上留下了單車的橡皮軌，留下了那天那微酸的、溫熱的天氣，留下了我所有所有的敬愛，留下了你，留下了我。
我安靜的躺在你的背後，微熱的風吹過，我仿若看見了你背上的汗珠兒的霧光，閃爍著、跳躍著那柔弱的、堅忍的光。你在一處乘涼的地方停下了，點了根煙，緩緩的抽了起來。我用稚幼的眼光抬頭仰望著你，我好想閱讀你眼裡的蒼桑、眼裡的慈悲。
你晚年過得很不如意，子女忤逆，整天都在吵，你的郁悶，比誰都沉重。可是我們來安慰你，你總是恬靜的笑著，你身上的痛、你心裡的痛，從來都在，可你從來都不願讓人為你麻煩。你很累吧，外公？
你走了以後，甚麼都變了。我的世界沒有了黑白之分，我不再做你要我做的事—當一個正直的人。彷彿在懲罰自己，我偏要跟你對著幹，我覺得這世上最疼我的人已經不在了，我沒有必要為著不令你失望而努力。我的世界，很黑，很黑。
如果，如果，如果可以…讓我吁一口，你那悠長的，悠長的，嘆息。

沒有如果

人問得太多遍的如果，最後苦惱的只有自己。這個世界不會欣賞你的如果，你很努力，可是沒有表現出來，跟沒有努力過的，一樣悲慘。可是我們擁有未來，錯過了的機會，你哭幾多回都是不會回來的。不如現在努力努力。
好久沒有寫字，與其說空洞，不如直接認了自己的不學無才。
天都哭了。人是悶悶的。
那天出門忘了帶傘。路過有位不認識的同學給我搭了一會兒的傘。感覺很high school... 搭訕…搭傘?

折返人間

好久沒有寫些甚麼，感覺心裡腦裡都很空。心中坦蕩蕩不是壞事，腦袋每天在放空卻讓我有點感覺像每天都被行刑處死幾次一樣難受。
做了暑期工，去了旅行，又回來了原來的學校。好像甚麼都沒有變過，又或更應說，本來的事，都按著本來的軌跡演變下去。譬如說，學校的圖書館翻新了，熟悉的面孔不見了，而我，我卻還是那個我，又是另外的一個我。還是一樣的渾噩，卻沒有了對工作、對學習的熱誠。But does it matter? 大概沒有人在乎。我們都只是…

情面

我很相信，每人都有點ego的。譬如說，當你見到一個i banker整天的achievement 就是將pitchbook 的format 一致化，千萬不要問：點解無人staff你？又譬如說，女仔問你佢肥唔肥，我相信無人會說你好肥。
有些話是不可說的。有些話卻不能不說。
比方說，給TA的電郵裡，總需要加幾句thank you enjoy your class thoroughly 怎麼樣的。擦鞋嘛，其實是很深的學問。要看擦的人是甚麼料子的，被人看穿的話不但升職無望，還會讓人忌你三分。要說起來騷騷癢癢的，看似不著邊際，事實上卻已經排練多時。可惜，我做人自視過高，不屑當這功夫。日後說話會害死自己啦。
*************************
看見同學參加了 Osama 死去的celebration,有點作嘔的衝動。我很驚訝，連在長春藤大學受過教育的人都可以如此fanatic. 許美國人真的受了很多苦，這些我是不能理解的。又或許本來我就是一個佛教徒的關係，始終認為，作了孽是會有報應的。這不是說，因著別人為自己的惡果而受苦，所以就應該高興起來。我想，關鍵是應該有憐憫的心。幸災樂禍的情境，讓我有點心寒。今天的得意忘形，是種共孽。因為，這裡沒有compassion. It seems to me that justice, in Obama's word, is retaliation. What is compassion to you? What is forgiveness to you? I am scared of people's cruelty shown in how happy they celebrated Osama's death. I think he did something very very wrong. But it is still sad to see lives taken away, no matter how sinful those lives are.
Is it required? To forgive such an evil enemy? It is a question I find it too hard to answer. I want to say yes we must all feel that way. But it seems too demanding to most of the people. Is charity a duty? I asked myself, if, imagine, someone killed my parents and the government killed that murderer, would I be happy like that? Jesus Christ! No! I will not be happy! I would be sad. Very sad. 因為戾氣太重。
and then I ask, so Americans are either not as kind as I, an ordinary Chinese girl, am. or Osama did something worse than killing their parents? I read articles written by my friends of how they felt. In their opinion, they justify why people were so happy by saying how the whole nation is traumatized and trampled collectively in the socioeconomic aspect. It is a backslash to the American superpower. But to me, honestly, it still seems a pretty shaky reason to be THAT happy. It is not as worse as getting your parents killed.
Just by thinking about how happy people were for his death makes me feel sick. Like literally I feel very unsafe not because of the possible retaliation from the terrorists, but because of the similarity of the Americans are compared to their enemy. I am scared of being in such a merciless society. They ask, how could Osama kill so much and how could he have no sympathy to the innocent lives. What they do not realise is that they are just like those terrorists. They don't show compassion to lives they are not familiar with. It does not seem reasonable to me, to kill him on spot, even though he killed so many innocents. I think no one deserved to be killed, ever ever.
We should not treat people based on reciprocity. We should treat people equal by the principle of compassion. Even though people have been unkind to me, I will still be kind to them. I have yet to come up with a reason of why people should do that, but I think it will make our society better off if we don't expect reciprocity.

開懷

心寬一點，人才可以活得自在。為甚麼偏要如此執著呢？對方都已讓你三分了，事情亦應定下來，偏要跟自己過得去。可能有點人是要活在痛苦之中，活在仇恨裡頭。因為像Dido唱的一下，because you thought it's cool, to be sad. 你不開心，你不快樂，繼續下去，就可以跟人說三道四。這是一種手段，去滿足你自己覺得自己受歡迎的理據吧。Because finally, someone listens. Because finally, you are important.
人有多少真心的朋友，不是靠交換gossip 情報來決定的。你說了多少事非，是有孽障的，壞話不能多說，好話要多說。少點戾氣不好嗎？反正也不是大事，為何偏要放不下。大肚需容下天下事。
算了多說無謂。總之，心中常歡喜。

中庸

有位作家說過，男女之情，很轟烈，來時快去得也快。兩個女孩子的情誼呢，像小姐與丫鬟，間有小心眼的妒忌和猜度，可礙著面子，終究可以細水長流。有時我懷疑，我們這代，太西化了，沒了那種積壓久了的韻味。朋友，說翻臉就翻臉，未免太不留情面。廣東人生活的智慧，終究管用。凡事留一線，日後好相見。有點說話，說了出口，就回不了頭了。心中總有根刺的。
其實人相處起來是一門很深的學問。這個世界需要有絕頂聰明的人去做research ，可是亦需要更多的人去粉飾太平。太平，不是本來就有的，還是需靠人用功用功的。粉飾一番，漸漸就會太平啦。裝著沒事似的，慢慢就會沒事啦。不說出口的，就是99%肯定，還是猜出來的，久了就沒這回事啦。可說了出口就不同啦，人總會記著的。所以嘛，相處之道，容忍一下，留留面子。
人嘛，也不能過份熱情。來得如此快，就証明了太輕信人啦，一開始就推心置腹，對方做了點不稱心的事就會更覺著有了點期望的落差啦。這個磨合的階段，還是要多點時間的。日久見人心嘛。
話我不多說了。都是老生常談。可是裝了太久的懵懂，我還是希望能指點一下比我更socially awkward的鍘的迷津。自己參詳一下吧。

What I've learnt in this year

This year I went through I lot. It is not what I have expected but nevertheless I am glad I have been given this heavenly chance and I am forever indebted to my patron. For this reason I will always remember what this society have given to me and I wish some day I will become someone's patron too. I know there is a theory about the pyramid sponsorship is not as beneficial as giving out the whole lump sum to a bigger group of audience, but as someone at the receiving end, I must say, it's different. I hope one day their investment will pay off.
1. I learn that there are some very ultra-talented people in the world and everyone is special and beautiful in its way.
In Hong Kong and in my environment in particular, everyone wants to get into B-school and a job in i banking. But in Columbia, you see violinist, journalist, entrepreneur, poet, neuroscientist etc etc. Of course there are stil tons of people who want to get into i banking. But still they have a chance to study LitHum, CC etc etc I truly envy this chance of having a liberal education. When they complain to me how useless the course is, I truly truly truly wish I could be in their position to complain about that.
2. You don't need to be ultra sociable and try to be friends with everyone.
It is not a requirement for you to be friends with everyone. Some people just are not interested in you. No need to moan. Go to another group and make some other nice friends.
3. Work hard.
I thought I worked really hard in order to get into college. and I thought my college life before coming to Columbia is really really intense. Turns out I did some of my most intense study here in Columbia. A lot of readings and critical thinking. I really enjoy them because I know this is the only chance I will have in my life to do something academic as this. I will never have the chance to do it again.
4. Be kind to people.
I said that a lot before but preaching is different from teaching. You cannot learn it. You have to reflect on your own value system and be enlightened. One day you suddenly realise you could ACTUALLY really make that happen. Whatever indecent things people did to you, forgive them.
5. Sometimes life is not a box of chocolate.
It is a piece of shit sometimes. Be calm and carry on. Mentality is tricky thing.



and a lot more. It is difficult to put it in words, for a lot of things I've learnt are intangible and it's about how I deal with people. There is not one situation I can point to. More like clustered multidimensional characteristics that guide me through ups and downs.

Peace of mind and peace of emotion.